7“When My Time Comes, I Want To Be Buried Face Down, So That Anybody That Doesn’t Like Me Can Kiss My Ass.”
Season 3, Episode 11, “Who Wants It More”
In the season 3 episode “Who Wants it More?,” Red Forman suffers a near-death experience following a gardening incident, prompting him to have a vision of his own funeral and providing audiences with one of the best Red Forman quotes. After realizing that he hasn’t exactly been the warmest man on the planet, Red decides to change his ways and make an effort to be more approachable. Fortunately, Red, the scariest sitcom dad, comes to his senses by the end of the episode, reverting to his usual, angry self, busting out this great quote as he does so.
6“Without Our Government, You’d Be Stuck In Siberia Now, Sucking The Juice From A Rotten Commie Potato!”
Season 5, Episode 1, “Going to California”
Ever the patriot, Red’s time as a frontline combatant is likely one of the many reasons for his unwavering love of his country, which does beget some of the more memorable Red Forman quotes. With the decidedly anti-establishment Steven Hyde living under his roof, however, the two naturally butt heads on a lot of issues.
After Hyde bad-mouths the government, Red proclaims that “without our government, you’d be stuck in Siberia now, sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato!” before following up with “if the government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say ‘thank you, and God bless America!'”
5“You Morons Just Hung Vacancy Signs On Your Asses… And My Foot’s Looking For A Room!”
Season 8, Episode 1, “Bohemian Rhapsody”
Red’s creative variations on his threats to kick Eric’s a** usually range from a little lame to outright hysterical depending on the line in question. Perhaps his funniest version of the joke, however, isn’t even aimed at his son, but at Hyde and Fez after he discovers they’ve been keeping a ‘stash’ in the basement.
It’s one of the best Red Forman quotes in a sea of examples where he threatens to put his foot up someone’s rear end. What’s more, even Kitty has been indulging in said stash behind Red’s back, making his inventively framed threat seem a little more justified than usual.
4“If I Was A Bird, I’d Fly Into A Ceiling Fan.”
Season 5, Episode 11, “The Girl I Love”
While sitcom parents often act as the show’s resident “fun sponges” — usually foiling the plans of its mischievous central teenagers at the end of each episode — it’s Red’s unique ability to suck the air out of a room that makes the best Red Forman quotes so hilarious. Take for instance the Formans’ dinner party with Fez and his new girlfriend, Nina.
During the dinner party, Kitty innocently poses some ice-breaking questions to the group, including “If you were a bird, where would you fly?” Making his disdain for the entire event apparent, Red gives a snarky reply with “If I was a bird, I’d fly into a ceiling fan.”
3“Well, That’s Perfect, Eric. Use That Line When You’re Up For Miss America.”
Season 1, Episode 3, “Streaking”
When it’s announced that President Ford is visiting Eric’s high school in the season one episode “Streaking,” Red plans on publicly announcing his displeasure at the leader’s outsourcing of jobs, which he blames for his own unfortunate employment situation, but one of the best Red Forman quotes precedes this incident.
When he asks Eric for his opinion on the matter, however, the ordinarily snarky teenager seems to clam up. Nervous about his impending plan to streak during the President’s visit and not wanting to start a fight with his father, Eric responds diplomatically, which Red hilariously chastises him for.
2“That’s Your Brain Trying To Comprehend Its Own Stupidity.”
Season 3, Episode 9, “Hyde’s Christmas Rager”
In the episode “Hyde’s Christmas Rager,” Eric makes one of his most idiotic mistakes to date, which of course prompts one of the best Red Forman quotes. After getting wasted at Hyde’s party, Eric returns home drunk and proceeds not only to mock Red—who is, unbeknownst to him, within earshot—but proceeds to throw up on his shoes afterward.
Surprisingly, Red doesn’t blow up to the degree you’d expect but yells at a hungover Eric the following morning. When Eric complains that his head hurts, Red tells him “That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.”
1“You Don’t Have Bad Luck. The Reason That Bad Things Happen To You Is Because You’re A Dumbass!”
Season 1, Episode 9, “Thanksgiving”
While it may not be the most creative of all the Red Forman quotes ever concocted on the show, there’s something so unapologetically real about this quote that it remains one of That ‘70s Show’s most hilarious jokes. After Eric kisses a friend of his sister’s during Thanksgiving, he decides to come clean to Donna, who naturally becomes furious with him.
Eric then complains to his father about having “bad luck.” Red never passes up an opportunity to school his son and is a good dad for once by rightfully telling him that his problem in this case specifically has nothing to do with luck.
